


Tapping on the Glass

by nameless_wanderer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Finally!, Gen, Group Chat Fic, except its not as anonymous as planned, havent decided just how shippy this is, hilarity/heartwarming ensues, theyre in an anonymous group chat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-02-18 08:56:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21508483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nameless_wanderer/pseuds/nameless_wanderer
Summary: The five of them had been encouraged to beta test a new chat room feature their school was working on last spring as a good chance to make friends. Only the chat rooms were supposed to be anonymous, meaning it didn’t translate to real life friendship, only internet friendship. Which was better than nothing, and these people had sort of become friends.But in reality it was a little less than anonymous. Each of them has figured out the identity of one other person, and have been walking on eggshells ever since. What are the odds somebody will get hurt by this knowledge?
Relationships: Alana Beck & Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	Tapping on the Glass

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [quite aware of what they're going through](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19086226) by [salazarastark (niewanyin)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/niewanyin/pseuds/salazarastark). 



> (you should totally read that fic too because its incredible)

> **BlueLeaves:** So. How was everyone’s first day back?
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** Fuck. Off.
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** cmon, hella
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** Pretty good, blue! :)
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** I’m super excited for all of my classes!
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** nerd
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** mine was pretty alright I guess
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** I had kind of a rough start in the morning. Got slightly better as the day went on.
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** Thats good!
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** What about you, blue?
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** Um
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** It wasn’t really uh
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** It was a pretty bad day
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** Yeah
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** fuckin ditto
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** It just. It wasn’t a great morning, and then I got to school and things weren’t really that much better. And then they got worse. And then there was this whole giant misunderstanding with this person and
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** It hasn’t been a good time
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** Oh no! D:
> 
> _**CronchyBoi-69** shrugs_
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** That’s just how it is on this bitch of an earth
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** Do you want to talk about it?

Evan bit his lip. He leaned back in his chair debating the options. He considered how it had gotten to this point. He’d been encouraged to beta test a new chat room feature his school was working on last spring by his therapist, said it might be a good chance to make friends. Only the chat rooms were supposed to be anonymous, meaning it didn’t translate to real life friendship, only internet friendship. Which he did suppose was better than nothing, and these people were sort of his friends.

But in reality it was a little less than anonymous. They’d all agreed from day one that they wouldn’t try to figure out who each other were. And he never intended to find out; he barely knew anything about three of his chat mates. But the fourth he’d figured out.

Why did he have to attend that jazz band concert?

He just wanted to talk to Zoe Murphy, and he’d gotten his wish. Sort of. Because as he looked at the program, his eyes fell on one piece: Brass Machine by Mark Taylor. Taylor’s Machine. His breath hitched. He dismissed it as coincidence at first. The more he thought about it, he decided that maybe it was someone from jazz band, but odds were it wasn’t Zoe. After all, the machine was a brass machine, a trumpet. Maybe a trombone. But everything he knew about Taylor matched up with Zoe. The real clincher came when he remembered that Taylor had talked about wanting to learn another instrument because she’d learned guitar when she was younger. She only played guitar, if she was telling the truth.

But Taylor usually told the truth from what he could tell. And everything fit. It all made too much sense. He’d felt his heart beat faster, as if on the verge of an anxiety attack. He’d had to breathe deeply to prevent himself from bolting right then and there. And at intermission he’d quietly left and disappeared from the group chat for half a week. Cronch had teased him relentlessly when he came back, but even he had been a little concerned for Evan. Or, more accurately, concerned for “Blue.”

Back in the present, earlier that day he’d tried to talk to Zoe only to fall short, and Zoe’s brother, Connor, had taken a letter he’d written for therapy. A letter he’d written somewhat about Zoe. He needed to tell someone about it, and normally he’d tell the group chat about how he was feeling. Except Zoe was in the group chat. And there was no way he was telling her about this.

> **Taylors-Machine:** Blue?
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** did he fucking ghost us again
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** No, sorry, just lost in thought.
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** I just had… a big misunderstanding with someone today.
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** Let’s leave it at that.
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** fair enough
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** what about you hella? would our resident emo care to share
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** some people can be real assholes
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** including me
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** but at least I’m not a creep
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** Whoa, wait, what?
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** Are you okay?
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** im fine its just
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** nevermind
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** You’re sure?
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** sometimes i think im a terrible person but the world is shit too so that doesn’t matter
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** for once id like to be proven wrong
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** cheers to that
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** same here
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** yep
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** I get that.

* * *

The door slammed. Another dumb argument with his parents that he was too sober for. He needed to get high or drunk. Maybe both.

“Fuck all of this,” he muttered, barely concealing his rage. He was so tired of being made to be the bad guy in a story he wanted no part in. He was tired of being the psycho older brother, or the pawn for his mother and father to get back at each other with. He was tired of everything. He could tell already, it was going to be one of _those_ nights. Which was just as well, since he was planning on doing it around this time anyway. And who knew? Maybe third time would be a charm.

Before he could leave his room, he looked at his laptop, open to the chat page. He hesitated. He supposed it wouldn’t hurt to talk with the chat. Obviously they weren’t his friends or anything, as he constantly told them, but that didn’t mean they were completely terrible.

> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** do you ever just get so fuckin tired of listening to your parents that you think “you know what, maybe i /will/ become a homeless dropout with no future just to spite you”
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** big mood
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** Parents are rough
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** Is everything okay hella?

Connor had become convinced that Sound_Affects was actually Alana Beck. She knew better than to reveal any personal details that would lead to her discovery, and had chosen an innocuous username that nobody would be able to guess. Except that Connor had worked with Alana on a project for Fuck Finn a while back, and he’d overheard her grandmother calling her “Alana-matopoeia,” which was definitely the strangest pet name he’d ever heard. When Alana had caught him staring she looked back and said “an onomatopoeia is like a sound effect word, and my name is Alana, so—” and he had quickly replied that he knew both of those things and shifted focus back to the stupid project. It just made sense; Sound_Affects had the same intelligent, bubbly energy as Alana. And she was always the first to offer help if a problem came up. Provided she noticed it.

> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** no fx
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** not really
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** because my parents are terrible people and theyve passed the terrible gene onto me
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** that’s rough, buddy
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** truly edifying, taylor
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** im sure you’re not that terrible?
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** THAT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE A QUESTION MARK IM SO SORRY
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** way to go blue
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** You know cronch, if you’re just gonna criticize everyone else you can sit this convo out.
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** Seriously, Hella, are you doing okay?

He weighed the options in his mind. He couldn’t say it was fine, because it wasn’t. He couldn’t say nothing, because he was tired of saying nothing. And he definitely couldn’t tell them he was planning to kill himself. So what could he say?

> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** have you ever wanted to just not fucking exist?
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** basically every day of my life
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** yeah i sorta get that
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** usually when i feel that i just distract myself
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** usually with drugs or sometimes alcohol or sex if im lucky enough
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** it doesnt feel like i can do that tonight tho
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** im just so tired of existing and i dont know what to do
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** ok this is going to sound so fucking corny
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** but when i feel like that i just think of all the things i like and all the things i would miss out on if i didnt exist
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** id never get to read my favorite book, or finish my current favorite tv show
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** id never hear another song from my favorite band
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** id never see another dog
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** OMG that’s so sad!
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** youd never see mcr get back together
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** seriously cronch? knock it off if ur just gonna be a jerk about it
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** i would never joke about mcr getting back together
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** then it looks like we have two resident emos in the chat
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** dammit
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** my cover is blown
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** I’d never get to wear my favorite outfit again :c
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** id miss the sound of leaves crunching under my feet
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** LOL Blue!
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** ive tried the whole visualizing a better future thing
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** cant do it, doesnt work
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** you cant focus on the bigger joys that come eventually
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** you have to focus on the smaller joys that happen now, every day
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** well i would definitely miss drugs
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** I’m not sure we should be encouraging this, but if that lifts your spirits then sure!
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** Just please be safe while using
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** okay mom ill be sure to be super safe while using drugs
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** You know what I mean, Hella.
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** did that help in anyway h?
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** weirdly yeah it did
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** thanks
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** you just helped a lot more than you know
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** speaking of tv shows has anybody else been keeping up with the good place?
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** YES!
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** such a good plot twist last episode
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** Ive been meaning to get into it?

Zoe sighed, carefully listening out into the hallway. Her brother wasn’t sneaking into the bathroom to grab his pills. He wasn’t shuffling around his room to find something to use as a rope. He was just typing away at his computer. She’d managed to prevent Connor’s third suicide attempt, and right now that was the best she could do for him. She quickly rejoined chat to make it seem like she was still paying attention.

> **Taylors-Machine:** come on, blue, jump on it, or everyone’s just gonna spoil it for you
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** youre right, youre right. I’ll check it out.
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** I could set up a virtual watch party sometime this weekend.
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** That sounds awesome! Would Saturday afternoon work for everyone?
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** sure
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** Count me in!
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** I’ll set it up
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** sounds good. i’ll be there.

* * *

> **CronchyBoi-69:** i dont understand other people
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** bitch same
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** I feel that
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** or maybe i just dont know how to talk to them

Jared normally wasn’t one to get serious and deep in the group chat, but today had been so weird. Evan had apparently been too chicken shit to try and get the letter back from Connor, so Jared had resolved to read it for himself whatever way he could. He’d asked Connor about it, but Connor just looked confused as if he didn’t remember it. When he felt around for it in his pocket, he got wide eyed and stared at it for a second. As Jared had waited with anticipation, Connor had shoved it at him, forcefully telling him to take it and tell nobody about the letter.

Jared returned to Evan, letter in hand, and returned it, gloating only slightly in the process and barely mocking him at all. Evan had snatched the letter back as quick as he could, ripping it up and scattering the shreds in his locker. Jared at least expected a “thank you” for his help, but Evan just muttered something under his breath and quickly scurried off to his next class. And that would be fine, he didn’t particularly care about Evan or hang out with him.

> **BlueLeaves:** How do you mean?

Except Evan was in his stupid group chat.

Evan’s username was incredibly stupid. Sure, it was so generic that it could be anybody’s username, but if one actually knew Evan, they knew it could only be him. Luckily for Evan, it seemed most people, including the rest of the chat, did not know him. Which didn’t help Jared narrow down any of their identities, so he was just stuck there with Evan and three strangers.

> **CronchyBoi-69:** its just sometimes i imagine a conversation going one way in my head, or i expect the way someone will react to something i do, and then that doesnt happen
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** Isn’t that just, like,
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** How life works?
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** gee, thanks fx, super helpful
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** Sorry, I just meant that I feel that way all the time. I just kinda assumed everyone does.
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** yeah, same here
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** Is there something you wanna talk about cronch?
> 
> _**CronchyBoi-69** shrugs_
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** idk
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** sometimes i think im a bad person
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** wait
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** thats not right
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** what i mean is i think im bad at /being/ a person
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** like everyone attended how to be a person class in second grade but i was sick that week
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** yeah, i get that
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** im really bad at reacting to things like a person

Jared scoffed. No kidding. At least he had the decency to admit it.

> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** if it makes you feel any better cronch
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** i think everyones bad at being a person
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** some people are just better at hiding it

* * *

Alana knew she was probably wrong to be looking for the other members of her group chat. They’d all agreed at the beginning that it was better kept anonymous, but after nearly 6 months, she had to know. Surely, they’d want to know who she was, right?

Unfortunately, it seemed everybody had chosen pretty rock solid usernames, and they were all pretty sparing with their personal details. She hadn’t been able to figure out much about them, save for personalities and a few key insights, like the fact that everyone was a senior except Taylor, who was a junior. But key observation had revealed the identity of one of the supposed strangers. It turned out CronchyBoi-69 was actually (somewhat unsurprisingly) Jared Kleinman. She didn’t actually know him all that well, but she’d been able to piece together that Cronch was Jewish from his word choice and anecdotes about his Bar Mitzvah. The pool of Jewish guys who were seniors was not long, and Jared was the only one on the list who would conceivably use “69” in a username that was probably being monitored by the school.

She wanted to know who they were. They would want to know who she was. She was doing the right thing by trying to figure them out, right? Then why did her stomach feel like it had tied itself into a knot?

She knew she shouldn’t message, but in truth, she didn’t have anyone else to talk to. She was always just on the outside looking in.

> **Sound_Affects:** Do any of you guys have experience dealing with guilt?
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** What do you mean, fx?

Alana always smiled a bit at the fact that they’d shortened her username to fx. It felt special to her, something her grandmother would’ve come up with. She missed her grandmother a lot.

> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** yep
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** every day pretty much
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** Depends on what you mean I guess?
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** Like from telling a lie or keeping a secret.
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** There’s this huge ache right in the pit of my stomach and it’s felt pretty constant recently, and I don’t know what to do about it.
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** oh yeah
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** i feel that way all the time
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** it doesnt exactly get better but after some time you do get used to it.

Knowing that Cronch was Jared had been a surreal experience. Yes, he mostly used the group chat as a place to share memes, but sometimes he actually had insight into a problem. Mostly it just added another dimension to the wannabe class clown she knew in real life; it humanized Jared.

> **BlueLeaves:** but if it’s a secret or a lie, wouldn’t it be better to fess up and get rid of the stomach ache?
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** not always a viable option blue
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** like what if telling the truth would hurt somebody in the process?
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** then ur still achy and feel bad but the guilt isnt from hiding its from action so now its not just a thing u feel but absolutely /your fault/
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** but hiding a secret can often feel like the same thing, so at that point what does it matter?
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** secrets are secret for a reason Taylor
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** if they were meant to be known they would be
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** How bad is this secret FX?
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** I can’t tell tbh
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** It’s not that I did something bad or someone else did something bad
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** Or that I know something bad about anybody.
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** I just figured something out that I shouldn’t know
> 
> **Sound_Affects:** Something kind of personal
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** dude thats totally not your fault
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** u have no obligation to tell anyone and u prolly shouldnt
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** i dont know if its ur fault u figured it out
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** (idk maybe fx is snoopin lmao)
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** but the info itself is not ur fault
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** and even if the how u found it is ur fault, its what u do with the information that matters
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** and personally i cant see u doing anything with information if u knew it would harm somebody

How was Jared Kleinman the most insightful person in her group chat right now? How? She just wanted to know how. Because as much as she wanted to, she could never tell them she was looking for them. And she definitely couldn’t tell Jared she’d figured him out. Because she didn’t want to hurt them.

> **Sound_Affects:** You’re right. Thanks for the help, Cronch! C:
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** hey what else am i here for?
> 
> **Helluv4xWay2G0:** memes
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** the memes?
> 
> **BlueLeaves:** Yeah I was gonna say the memes.
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** fuck all yall
> 
> **CronchyBoi-69:** actually there is a meme i need to show you
> 
> **Taylors-Machine:** right on cue.

* * *

Evan wondered what the odds were of being placed in the same chat room with Zoe Murphy. Zoe wondered the odds of being placed in the same chat room as her brother, and Jared wondered about those same odds of Evan. Connor wondered what the odds were of not getting paired with even one other stoner. But Alana was less interested in the probability of individuals and more interested with the probability of knowledge and loops.

What were the odds that she was the only one who had figured out another’s identity? What were the odds that everyone had figured out her identity? It was mathematical questions like these that calmed her down in stressful moments. But one interesting question led her down an interesting path, mathematically speaking. What were the odds that each of them knew the identity of just one other individual in the chat? And what are the odds that the individuals they knew would form a loop? How many unique loops between five points could one get? Compared to the criteria of five one sided relationships between two people, it had to be pretty low. As she tried to calculate the possibility and others, only one question didn’t occur to her, the one with the most definite answer.

What were the odds that somebody would get hurt by this knowledge?

**Author's Note:**

> Can you believe it took me this long to start a long form everybody lives au? I've had this cooking for a while and I'm super excited to share this story with you guys. I haven't decided just how shippy I want this to be, but I have a few directions i could take it, so let me know what you think. I am still working on other fic stuff (i.e. AWE stuff, Slam on the Brake follow-ups/spin offs) its just relatively slow going bc classes and stuff. Hope you guys like this chapter, next one shouldn't take too long to post. As always, thank you for the comments and kudos, feel free to chat with me on tumblr (kennothythebard) thanks for supporting this fic! c:


End file.
